It has come to my attention that our failing economy, endless war, and continual idolization of celebrity debauchery has brought on rumors from skeptics and haters that America is no longer #1. Before these rumors get out of hand, I want to remind the public that we are still numero uno by providing a list of things at which America is NUMBA 1!

Pollution

(specifically CO₂ Emissions)

While earlier this year China over took the US as the number one CO2 emitter, we are still 5 to 6 times the polluters as those bike-riding rice eaters in per captia terms. Take that you bamboo huggers.

Cash Money

Sure G.W. brought the dollar back to the value when his dad was in office, but America is home to the richest man in the world. So what if his dollars aren’t worth all that much, he still has a whole lot of them. It’s like having a really big Pog collection.

Cereal…Killers

So China has US beat as the country that executes the most people per a year but who wants to deal with all that bureaucracy [communism] when you can have your citizens do the killing for you! For years now, the US has been leading the world in production of serial killers, which also doubles as viable income for lazy screenwriters.

Lawyers

With all those killers roaming our streets, no wonder we have the most lawyers per capita with 1 lawyer for every 265 Americans.

World’s Best Sandwich

While we only come in as the 9^th fattest country, behind Kuwait and Palau, we can still pride ourselves on creating the World’s Best Sandwich, and in New Jersey nonetheless. The Fat Darrell: Chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, and French fries crammed onto a roll and covers in marinara sauce. OK, ok, so it was only ranked number 1 sandwich in America, but so what? We’re fucking America, does any where else really matter?

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