“Four Americans on vacation don’t just disappear!”

This was probably the most ridiculous line in the film. At least, it was the only time the entire theater (and it was rather empty) erupted in laughter at the same time. Unfortunately, there was a thread of laughter throughout most of the film. I should note, however, that I laughed more than most.

I am a fan of the classic horror film, and I like trashy horror films. Maybe that’s why I like them at all, honestly; I love anything that stars Edwige Fenech, and anything that stars her features nudity and sex. It’s awesome. (Another note: I think sex is funnier than most people do.)

I do believe there are fantastic contemporary horror films, two recent examples being Teeth and The Signal, but The Ruins simply fell flat for me. Rather, it never reached any heights to fall from.

The film starts with four Americans on vacation, none of which are particularly likable: two couples, Jeff and Amy (Jonathan Tucker and Jena Malone) and Stacy and Eric (Shawn Ashmore and Laura Ramsey). Jeff is a serious med student who doesn’t really seem to be enjoying his Mexico vacation—he isn’t drinking, goes to bed early, and wakes up before anyone else so that he can go for a run on the beach. Amy, his girlfriend, seems the complete opposite: she’s up late wasted and then vomiting the next morning. Oh, and did I mention she seems completely unhappy with and resentful of Jeff? I can’t really blame her, I wouldn’t be happy to date a piece of cardboard, but if I was unhappy enough in a relationship that I was trying to get with German tourists, I’d probably end it. She’s really just kind of a bitch, and Jeff is a tool for putting up with it.

Eric is an overgrown frat boy with no personality. Well, he might have some personality, but we never find out. He does love his girlfriend, Stacy, who is easily the most likable of the four. For one thing, she’s fucking hot, and if you’re into that sort of a thing, she’s the only character with a boob shot in the film, and I’ll be the first to admit she has a very nice pair (Perhaps this is where the film goes wrong, the only trashiness in the film is her boob-shot and the fact that she and ex-frat boy make a bet where the winner gets oral sex—but the oral sex never takes place, even though Eric promises he’ll “be fast”). She’s also not a bitch, she’s a good girlfriend (except for not holding up her end of the oral sex bet), and she’s way out of Eric’s league, but loves him anyways.

These mostly unlikable characters meet up with a goofy looking German, Mathias (Joe Anderson), whose brother has gone off to look at these ruins that aren’t on any tourist maps anymore, and then not come back. Cardboard cut-out, no-fun Jeff has been begging the others to do something “cultural” the entire vacation, and he jumps at this opportunity. The five of them, with Mathias’ friend, Dimitri (Dimitri Baveas) make their way out to this lost ruin, encountering a couple of Mayan children on the way. As they stare up at the ruins, suddenly some Mayan men with bow and arrows and guns burst out of the forest on horses. Unable to communicate, they quickly dispatch Dimitri and force the remaining five onto the ruin.

Anyways, if you plan on seeing the movie, you should probably stop reading now.

Well, after Mathias falls down an opening into the pyramid and breaks his back (he hears his brother’s cell phone and is trying to go down into the opening to retrieve it, so that they can call for help, so that they can get rescued from the angry Mayans surrounding the pyramid—you with me so far? Because that’s pretty much the whole movie), med-student Jeff convinces the rest of them that they need to get him out of the hole on a backboard. This is, of course, after her royal Hotness, Stacy, has gone down the opening as well and fallen and totally fucked up her knee by falling on this huge piece of glass. Eric and Jeff send Amy down to help her get Mathias on the backboard, and the most hilarious scene of the film ensues (I think it was unintentional, but I’m not sure; this is one of the few scenes worth watching). They get Mathias out, and he spends the rest of the film stuck on the backboard not-moving—yes, yes. It is difficult to make an immobile character work in a film, especially in a horror film. Actually, I don’t know if it’s difficult in a horror film, because I’ve never seen one that featured a paraplegic before.

So, at this point, we have Stacy with her bloody knee and Mathias who can’t feel his legs. They hear the cell phone once again, and send Amy and Stacy (who is hardly mobile) back down into the pyramid to get the phone. This is when the spoilers are really going to start.

The two girls descend into the pyramid only to find that the plants that cover the entire pyramid (inside and out) are making the noise. Yes. The flowers on the plants are consciously mimicking the cell phone ring to lure the people down into the pyramid. They are rather rational plants. One thing that is never addressed in the film though, is how the FUCK there is enough nourishment for all these plants to grow over the ENTIRE pyramid. First of all, they can’t really be photosynthesizing because they cover the entire inside of the pyramid, where there is absolutely no sunlight. Alright. So, we know they eat people, but considering that the pyramid isn’t on the guidebook, animals all avoid the pyramid, and the Mayans all know what the deal is, I have NO IDEA how the FUCK they get enough nourishment to support an entire pyramid of plants. Obviously, that’s not important here.

Anyways, what follows is one of the other great scenes in the film. The entire inside of the pyramid of plants comes alive and chases the two girls out of the pyramid. It was cool.

After all this excitement, they’re tired and it’s nighttime, so they go to sleep. When they wake up, they find out that the plants have attacked both Stacy and Mathias. While Stacy’s small-ish wound has a single tendril of plant in it, poor Mathias’ legs have been completely covered by the plants. In not-too-long, Jeff announces that Mathias’ legs must be amputated or he will develop a bacterial infection. Because his legs don’t really have any flesh left on them, he doesn’t think this will be too difficult with a hunting knife. Turns out, it’s not. But it’s really ridiculous and pretty fucking awesome, and the only TRUE horror film moment in the movie. Okay, it’s one of two moments. Did I mention they cauterize his stubs with a frying pan?

So, Mathias gets his legs cut off. In the meantime, Stacy starts to go crazy about the plant being inside her. Apparently, when Eric pulled the plant out of his leg, he didn’t get it all. Or at least, she doesn’t think he did. But the other three of course just assume she’s going insane. Turns out, she isn’t, and they all figure this out when they see it moving under her skin. Then they do something pretty cool, and cut some of the plant out of her leg, then some of it out of her tramp stamp on her lower back. She wants them to keep cutting, but they refuse. “We can’t cut them all,” cardboard-kid Jeff tells her.

At some point that night, Stacy freaks out and accuses Eric of fucking Amy. It’s a scene that doesn’t really make sense, but it distracts everyone enough that the plant is able to stick its tendrils down Mathias’ throat and kill him. Poor guy. So now he’s dead and doesn’t have any legs. Can’t get much worse than that. And then there were four.

So, it’s quite obvious Stacy is still full of killer plant tendrils, and they’re eating her from the inside. While everyone is resting, she sneaks out of the tent and starts cutting herself  with the hunting knife to get the tendrils out. I told you she was the best character. If your fetish is hot women in their underwear standing in a pool of their own blood and cutting themselves with a hunting knife, this is a movie you should see. She’s obviously not quite sane, and when Jeff tries to take the knife from her, she cuts his hand open. Then Eric tries to take it, and despite the fact that they’re supposed to in love, she stabs him in the heart and kills him. What a bitch. Then she convinces Jeff to kill her, Jeff covers Amy in blood and carries her down the pyramid pretending she is dead, lays her down, then walks away from her and along the pyramid to distract the Mayans. While they’re distracted, she gets up and runs away, they kill Jeff, and Amy escapes completely unharmed.

So yeah.

The bitch lived.

In all, it was a really flat film with unlikable and underdeveloped characters, few moments of intensity or awesomeness (I think I noted three; that averages one every thirty minutes), no real climax, and a lackluster conclusion. But did I mention that the song played during the credits is the Yeah Yeah Yeahs? I guess that was the fourth worthwhile moment of the film.

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