Baby’s First Internet - It’s not your job to right a wrong // just mark it FAIL and move along.

So basically someone pointed out that every couple letters on the front cover of Super Mario Galaxy has an orange star underneath it… and if you break it down line by line it reads:

U R
MR
GAY

(via mark)

Improv Everywhere does it again. Video of the mission and crowd reactions on YouTube.

For our latest mission, we filled a subway car with identical twins, creating a human mirror.

Also see: Look Up More, Frozen Grand Central, Circle Line Tours, McDonald’s Bathroom Attendant, Slo-Mo Home Depot, No Pants 2k8.

The full version of Pixar’s animated short “Presto” that precedes Wall-E in theaters. Great little short about a rabbit dealing with his pet magician because he’s not being properly fed.

Hit refresh for another image. If you’re not saying ‘Om Nom Nom Nom’ out loud at the same time as looking at these pictures then you’re doing it wrong.

© 2008 The Artists of Om Nom Nom Nom

McSweeny’s: Lit 101 Class, in three lines or less.

1984

WINSTON: Don’t tell the Party, but sex is way better than totalitarianism.

EVERYONE: Surprise! We’re the Party.

WINSTON: Oh, rats.

SPOILER ALERTS! Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: The Abridged Script:

CATE takes the skull and places it on a THRONE. It then turns into an ACTUAL ALIEN and makes her head explode. The ALIENS pile into a GIANT UFO and fly off into SPACE.

HARRISON FORD

Wow. Considering that the first movie revolved around a magical box made by God that melts faces when opened, it’s really astonishing that this movie managed to be so incredibly stupid by comparison.

JOHN HURT

I can’t believe that the crystal skull wanted you to return it to the city just so that aliens could have blown your head up. Those aliens are total assholes.

SHIA LABEOUF

Seriously, what kind of jerks would intentionally trick people into thinking they were going to get something awesome, but then give them something so awful it makes their brains melt instead?

GEORGE LUCAS AND STEVEN SPIELBERG

Rich jerks! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

END

Did I mention this movie was terrible?

Pulp Shakespeare:

ACT I SCENE 2. A road, morning. Enter JULES and VINCENT, murderers.

V: And know’st thou what the French name cottage pie?
J: Say they not cottage pie, in their own tongue?
V: But nay, their tongues, for speech and taste alike
Are strange to ours, with their own history:
Gaul knoweth not a cottage from a house.
J: What say they then, pray?
V: Hachis Parmentier.
J: Hachis Parmentier! What name they cream?
V: Cream is but cream, only they say la crème.
J: What do they name black pudding?
V: I know not;
I visited no inn it could be bought.

More here and here.

My fellow abbot whom I’m soon to break.
My drainage hath consumed your whole milkshake.

The Quest For Every Beard Type

I’ve been growing a beard every winter for some years now, and every spring, I try to see how many facial hair variations as I can check off from the chart of facial hair types. Listed below are descriptions of the 34 facial hair types from the chart, including examples of the 24 variations that I’ve been able to attain so far.

My idol? He takes the Octobeard to a new level of awesomeness.

Pollution

(specifically CO₂ Emissions)

While earlier this year China over took the US as the number one CO2 emitter, we are still 5 to 6 times the polluters as those bike-riding rice eaters in per captia terms. Take that you bamboo huggers.

Cash Money

Sure G.W. brought the dollar back to the value when his dad was in office, but America is home to the richest man in the world. So what if his dollars aren’t worth all that much, he still has a whole lot of them. It’s like having a really big Pog collection.

Cereal…Killers

So China has US beat as the country that executes the most people per a year but who wants to deal with all that bureaucracy [communism] when you can have your citizens do the killing for you! For years now, the US has been leading the world in production of serial killers, which also doubles as viable income for lazy screenwriters.

Lawyers

With all those killers roaming our streets, no wonder we have the most lawyers per capita with 1 lawyer for every 265 Americans.

World’s Best Sandwich

While we only come in as the 9^th fattest country, behind Kuwait and Palau, we can still pride ourselves on creating the World’s Best Sandwich, and in New Jersey nonetheless. The Fat Darrell: Chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, and French fries crammed onto a roll and covers in marinara sauce. OK, ok, so it was only ranked number 1 sandwich in America, but so what? We’re fucking America, does any where else really matter?

Green Porno - a feverishly hilarious look at sex in the natural world. I am especially partial toward the spider shenanigans; who knew I had sex the same way as in the insect kingdom?

Final Opening Day at Shea (live blog): 4:03 PM: To add insult to injury, Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” is indeed the eighth inning sing-a-long tune.

April Fool’s Day on the Web: 2008 - My dead hard drive wasn’t so funny, but some of the pranks up so far are superb. YouTube UK has some pretty great Featured Videos worth checking out. And it’s no time machine, but Google finally let’s us search into the future and send emails yesterday.

Anyone visiting Chicago soon would do well to check with Google Street View for some of the city’s best street vendors. Similarly, Google lets you see the cosmos, camels, secret race tracks, the moon (now hiring), Mars, and other strange sights.

Things My Boyfriend Says:

Why are people always stealing my ideas? Like penis in vagina sex. MY IDEA.

And other funny ridiculous statements from TheBoyfriend.