Proud to be a Parody

Spencer Sugarman — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 17:32:55 +0000

Proud American is a new docudrama (of sorts) chronicling “five powerful singular stories” magnifying “the pillars that make America a truly grand society.” Directed by award-winning corporate media producer Fred Ashman, this “loving look at the American Dream” is beautifully shot in 75mm thanks to some charitable funding by Wal-Mart, Coca-Cola, MasterCard, and American Airlines. Of course, with two of the five stories follow the founding of Wal-Mart and Coca-Cola, having their money in the project might go without saying.

This movie is a farce. Somehow it has managed 14% on Rotten Tomatoes. And somehow it has 2.3/10 stars on IMDB, where one user rightly called the movie the “World’s Most Expensive After-School Special”. But it is a farce. Right? It has to be. Otherwise it is the world’s longest commercial; another disgusting, disturbing attempt by corporate America to leverage patriotism into consumerism.

Why do I eerily foresee this film making its ways into classrooms, shown right beside those lame school videos during social studies?

Fun fact: “Opening in 750 theaters, Proud American managed to earn only $96,076, or $128 per venue — the worst for any wide release in the United States since at least 1982.”

USA NUMBA 1

Spencer Sugarman — Mon, 19 May 2008 17:08:02 +0000

Pollution

(specifically CO₂ Emissions)

While earlier this year China over took the US as the number one CO2 emitter, we are still 5 to 6 times the polluters as those bike-riding rice eaters in per captia terms. Take that you bamboo huggers.

Cash Money

Sure G.W. brought the dollar back to the value when his dad was in office, but America is home to the richest man in the world. So what if his dollars aren’t worth all that much, he still has a whole lot of them. It’s like having a really big Pog collection.

Cereal…Killers

So China has US beat as the country that executes the most people per a year but who wants to deal with all that bureaucracy [communism] when you can have your citizens do the killing for you! For years now, the US has been leading the world in production of serial killers, which also doubles as viable income for lazy screenwriters.

Lawyers

With all those killers roaming our streets, no wonder we have the most lawyers per capita with 1 lawyer for every 265 Americans.

World’s Best Sandwich

While we only come in as the 9^th fattest country, behind Kuwait and Palau, we can still pride ourselves on creating the World’s Best Sandwich, and in New Jersey nonetheless. The Fat Darrell: Chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, and French fries crammed onto a roll and covers in marinara sauce. OK, ok, so it was only ranked number 1 sandwich in America, but so what? We’re fucking America, does any where else really matter?