I’ll admit openly and first of all that I’m not someone who has repeatedly watched and consequently memorized the Indiana Jones films. I have seen them, and I’m familiar with them—but it’s been a few years (yes, probably too many).

Yet in spite of my relative distance from the series, one which I am fond of even with my infrequent viewing history, I was disappointed with what I feel was a lack of, well, authenticity.

If you’ve read any other reviews of the Crystal Skull, you’re probably well aware that they (Spielberg and Lucas) went to town on CGI, particularly on the now infamous prairie dogs that tunnel throughout the film. While I have nothing against CGI itself and I believe that they can really add a great deal film, in general I prefer makeup, costumes, and puppets. I don’t believe that CGI could ever create a better The Dark Crystal. All the best horror villains are created with makeup and costumes. It’s just true.

But the point is, Crystal Skull was disappointing. What made it so much more disappointing was the fabulous beginning of the film, which ever gradually gave way to more and more mediocrity.

The film is set in the 1950’s. Indy is kidnapped by Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett)—a Russian official obsessed with the collection of supernatural/extraterrestrial/religious/etc. artifacts, who has brought Indiana Jones to an old government warehouse in order to have him locate one particular relic. The scene unfolds in perfect Indiana Jones tradition, in spite of Blanchett’s incredibly inconsistent Ukrainian accent (usually she’s an absolute favorite of mine; my friends are accustomed to my proclamations of being willing to turn lesbian for her), with risky adventure escapes and mad dashes. It is lovely.

The next morning, Indy finds himself in a neighborhood full of plastic people, all simulating normal activities—and quickly realizes he’s about to participate in a nuclear test explosion. Once again, this scene is a fabulous addition to the Indiana Jones tradition—it has action, surprise, comedy, and one of Indy’s ingenious and completely lucky escapes. At this point, the film was looking great.

As a result of his abduction by Communists, Indy loses his professorial position at Yale. (My friend who saw the film with me loved it, mostly because of the time spent at Yale, of which he is an alum. However, it should be noted that he is less familiar with the original series than I am.)

As Indy boards a train to escape Yale, New Haven, and the Communist charges, Shia LeBouf (“Mutt”) enters the movie in a scene, which, once again if you’ve read any other reviews, is an homage to Marlon Brando in The Wild One, while Le Bouf’s character is a fifties’ film character conglomerate (particularly James Dean). Yet the movie still continues promisingly along—Indy disembarks from his train and goes to a cafe with Mutt. Here, Soviet agents reappear, and once again Indy (with Mutt in tow) make a terrific escape. This is the best scene in the film.

So this is where the plot really takes off. LeBouf has admitted to Indy that his mother and an (ex) friend of Indy’s by the name of Ox, have been kidnapped by the very same Soviets who had kidnapped Indy before, and they head down to South America to try and find and save them. The whole reason they’ve been kidnapped has to do with a (you guessed it) crystal skull, which Ox has apparently found.

Here is where I start giving spoilers, so if you haven’t seen the film, you should probably stop reading. Even if you do stop, I won’t guarantee that you’ll be surprised by much of the film. In fact, I doubt you’ll be surprised at all.

So, often in movies, at least good ones, when the plot takes off, the film itself takes off as well. Unfortunately, this is not at all the case in Crystal Skull, a shame if I know anything about shame (and I know too much about it).

Well, Indy and Mutt head out to find where Ox had left the skull, which unsurprisingly is through a secret passage in an old South American Native tomb that surprisingly—and very disappointingly—lacks any type of trap. No, there were no crazy contraptions that almost cut off anyone’s head our anything of the type. In fact, once they are in the passage, nothing dangerous happens at all. It’s almost yawnable. As they exit the tomb, crystal skull in hand, the Communists take them captive.

Taking the pair back to their camp, Mutt is reunited with his mom (as well as Ox). Mom, Marion Ravenwood, who also starred as Indy’s love interest in Raiders of the Lost Ark, reveals that LeBouf is Indy’s son, which isn’t actually a surprise to anyone except Indy since the studio revealed this fact months ago. But, to tell the truth, it’s entirely obvious from the very beginning—and until the very end—that this what the story is really about: the passing of the torch from Big Jones to Little Jones—not with the glorious feel of continuing a tradition of greatness, but with the lackluster inkling that it’s all so the studio can make a little more money. Ugh.

In any case, the appearance of Marion gives Indy a chance to return to his more-or-less ladies’ man/seducer/womanizer role (whatever you want to call it)… but he doesn’t. His flirting is minimal, and the endless potential in the idea of Spalko seducing or tempting Jones is never even touched upon—she is an asexual character throughout the film. It seems that as Jones has gotten older, he hasn’t necessarily gotten more mature, he’s just lost personality. I have a difficult time swallowing this new, old Indy. He’s just not the same—honestly, his fire has just gone out.

What ends up happening is a lovely car chase scene with guns and swords and swinging through the forest on vines accompanied by monkeys and CGI. No, no, I’m not exaggerating. You didn’t realize there was ridiculous monkey-human-vine-swinging? Yes. And it doesn’t fit in the goofy, slightly-beyond-believable tradition of Indy series. It fits in a children’s cartoon.

Yet in spite of all this, a spectacular ending could have saved the film for me. Basically, what happens is the crystal skull turns out to be sort of a magic pass past anything (ants, armed and angry natives, etc.). Indy, Mutt, Marion, and Ox find themselves in an underground chamber of alien skeletons—one missing a skull, which they replace. Suddenly, the skeletons all sort of converge into one living, breathing alien.

No. I’m not kidding.

Spielberg. WHAT THE FUCK. Lay off the fucking aliens. They haven’t been working for you since the 80’s, and everyone except you knows this. It also RUINED THE GODDAMN MOVIE. Come on. In The Last Crusade, Jesus didn’t come back to life. Why the FUCK would you make an alien come to life? It completely destroys the goofy-and-slightly-unbelievable-but-still-slightly-possible-in-some-crazy-world feeling that characterized the other films. Yeah, there is the Biblical story and a tradition of the grail, etc., etc., but Jesus doesn’t make an appearance. Had Jesus appeared, it would have ruined the film and turned it into kitsch. He didn’t; the film was great. NOT ONLY did you allow the alien to appear and destroy the film, but you USED IT TO TIE UP ALL YOUR LOOSE ENDS IN A TOTAL COP OUT. Yeah. You did. You can’t deny it. You just sucked Spalko and all her Communist buddies INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION? They all just DISAPPEARED into another dimension? Ugh. Come on. What bullshit.

I guess the point of the review is that the story, the characters, and the script all had potential, and fell miserably short of it. Indiana Jones was a dry, depthless character without sex appeal, mischievousness, and wisecracks. Spalko was sexless with a ridiculously inconsistent Slavic accent. Marion was a bit of a fresh air, but her character wasn’t allowed to add what it could have. LeBouf did a much better job than I expected—and was probably my favorite character (and the best performance) in the film. If they were going to make an Indiana Jones movie simply to pass the torch to another actor to make even more “Indiana Jones” movies, they picked a fully capable torchbearer.

2 Responses to “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”

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